shorthand

Mr. Snufflebottoms was tired from translating German for five hours straight, especially considering that did not know German, save a few elementary words that coincided with the English forms of "the" and "a" and "to be." Mr. Snufflebottoms liked to pretend that he knew German, but he also like to pretend that he knew a lot of things.

Mr. Snufflebottoms had a twenty-two year old son he hadn't seen in five years. Work at sixteen, out of the house by seventeen! Mr. Snufflebottoms always said. It was something he had heard in college, laughed over at the time, and deemed downright genius by the time his son had hit his teens. Children were incurable, Mr. Snufflebottoms knew, and they had to become adults before they could know anything. His son, Joshua Snufflebottoms, had his first job as a gardener, which was to say that he carried bags of mulch to soccer mom's minivans and mowed the lawn at the garden center. He attended community college, paying his way with his gardener's job and weekend beggary, and he lived with his girlfriend in her parent's house. Luckily, his girlfriend's parents liked Joshua, and although they did not consider him a son, per say, they did feed him peanut butter rice cakes and allow him to mow their lawn. He always does such a nice job, they'd tell their guests at dinner parties. See how beautifully he trimmed the edges by the south wall?

Joshua spoke German fluently, as he had been brought up by a German nanny who wore white aprons and black shoes that sounded like gunfire when she walked. Joshua hadn't seen his nanny since moving out of his father's house, but she still sent him cards for Nikolaustag, which had always been his favorite holiday. For thirteen years, he'd place his left tennis shoe outside his bedroom door and awake to find it filled with treats and toys left by St. Nicholas.

Mr. Snufflebottoms had spent his afternoon translating German exactly because of this German nanny. Mr. Snufflebottoms had developed something of an infatuation throughout the years of her service, especially now that Joshua had moved away and his wife had left him. His wife had actually left within the third year of Joshua's life, but Mr. Snufflebottoms didn't pay attention to these things. He had more important matters to concentrate on, such as translating thick books of German.

He had bought this particular text from a small second-hand bookstore at a "reduced" price. Mr. Snufflebottoms had told the store clerk that he spoke German fluently and was planning a trip to Germany to marry his German lover. The clerk had not contradicted him. Mr. Snufflebottoms, although having translated this text for five hours, had still not discerned that the work concerned horses, particularly their eating and mating habits.

Mr. Snufflebottoms knew everything, however, so he had nothing to fear. The man would figure it out soon enough.

The German nanny entered the room just as Mr. Snufflebottoms settled fully into his relaxing stupor. This habit meant the loosening of many restraints, such as his waistcoat over the substantial girth of his stomach and the ties of his very wide shoes. Mr. Snufflebottoms had a condition where he lacked a sense of smell. He was never bothered when untying his shoes.